


running scared

by KiraYoshikage



Series: Birth of a New Day [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Polyamory, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 13:49:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11899059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiraYoshikage/pseuds/KiraYoshikage
Summary: holy rollers in my ears; i can hear them laughing





	running scared

**Author's Note:**

> for this i'm pretending taako and lup's last name is "Fromt'ivi" because that makes me laugh
> 
> also, recommended bgm/namesake is "running scared" by duett (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHJw_hGmrFE)

Lucretia's hands moved across and down the pages in front of her with a speed that, to any observer, would've been almost frightening. But for her, now, it was just second nature. She could recall events and write them down just as easily as she could breathe, and with this many years behind her it was all routine she was used to.

So, when a sudden rhythmic knock came at her door, Lucretia jumped and looked over her shoulder. The door, and the world around it, was unfocused; she blinked a couple times, rubbing her eyes. Forgetting to blink while she wrote was happening way more often than she'd like.

"Y-Yes? Yes," Lucretia mumbled. "Door's unlocked."

The knob turned and opened languishly, revealing Taak-- no, Lup. That was Lup, definitely. 

"Heeeey there, 'Cretia!" Lup said, leaning on the doorknob heavily. "How you holdin' up, girl?"

"I'm...I'm fine-- Cretia? Really?" Lucretia said, her eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah, thought I'd try something new. Not working for you?"

"Not even a little bit."

"Well, that's fine, we can workshop it later," Lup said, shrugging. "Lulu, maybe…?"

Lucretia blinked again just to make sure it was in fact Lup. She was wearing a semi-see thru soft pink mesh top with a maroon tanktop underneath. The outfit was punctuated with a bright pair of robin's egg blue shorts, with pictures of clouds on them. 

Lucretia could be forgiven for mistaking the outfit for Taako's, certainly, but Lup always wore her hair in a ponytail during downtime on the Starblaster. Taako preferred his hair to be free to float around his body the whole time, always perfectly wreathing his slender frame in an ethereal, constantly shifting aura of perfect hair. Lucretia was fairly certain that Taako just always had a constant gust of wind cast on him to perform the effect, but--

"Lucretia? Hello?" Lup said, waving her hand in front of Lucretia's face.

"Hm?" Lucretia said, looking up at Lup.

"You zoned out for like a solid minute there. You okay?"

"Oh, ah, yes…" Lucretia said, turning slightly to look at her journals. "I'm sorry about that. I get very lost in memories while I'm writing, and it can be kind of hard to shift out of it without a nap, or a cup of coffee, or something."

"I feel you there, Lulu," Lup said, fully entering the room and closing the door behind her.

"Ah, you don't have to…" Lucretia muttered, reaching toward the door half-heartedly.

"Oh yes I do," Lup said. "Look, sweetheart, I'm gonna be real with you-- Much as I love everyone here, I still need a break every now and then from all of…" Lup gestured vaguely towards the door, extending and retracting her fingers a couple times. "that. Those."

"Oh, of course," Lucretia said, smiling gently. "I would never say it to their faces, but…"

"But how come we didn't get just like one more hot girl on this party boat, you know?" Lup said. "Like, right now you and I have to cover that front entirely on our own and like. We do it perfectly, effortlessly, natch, but...Merle's sandals with socks are still an assault on my person every time I see them."

"Honestly, I...They are _truly_ hideous," Lucretia said, covering her mouth as she laughed gently. "You'd be surprised how often I find myself bringing them up in the journals."

"What's surprising is that you don't have a couple _volumes_ dedicated to the subject," Lup said, laughing brightly. " _Dozens_ of years, _dozens_ of worlds, and he still refuses to wear anything else! At this point I'm just hoping the Light of Creation wises up and respawns him barefoot, you know?"

"At least we haven't had a repeat of Beach Year," Lucretia said. "Merle somehow convinced Magnus, Barry, _and_ Davenport to wear them that whole year. Magnus ditched the socks halfway through, but...They were all so _proud._ "

"Yeah, like they were in some sort of club, or something!" Lup said, laughing and gesticulating wildly with one hand in Lucretia's direction. "What did they call themselves? Crow...something-crow's..."

"The Velcro's Nest!"

"The _fucking_ Velcro's Nest!" Lup said, laughing hard enough to fall back onto the bed. "God in heaven I was _so_ mad because that pun was so _good._ "

"Thank heavens you and Taako at least stayed out of that mess," Lucretia said. "Did you have to talk him out of it, or…"

"Oh, Lulu, honey, please," Lup said, leaning her head up just enough to show Lucretia the smug smile spreading across her face. "We Fromt'ivis know what the fuck we're doing. Even if Taako had considered it for a moment I would've killed him right there. Without hesitation."

"I bet he'd do the same for you too, hm?"

"I mean I'd certainly hope so. If I ever get caught styling myself so poorly, I'd hope he had the decency to snap my stupid ass in half. At the very least."

They both laughed again, which tapered off into nothing as they both stared at the floor, now both lost in memories. Lup gave a small sigh.

"Why haven't we talked more, Lucretia?" Lup asked.

"What?" Lucretia said.

"Well, we have talked, of course, but…" Lup spun her hands in the air as she looked for the right phrasing. "Lulu, I know I said it already, but...we're the only two girls on this boat, and...I feel like I sort of forgot that, and left you by the wayside."

"I…" Lucretia started, and then paused. The fact had not passed Lucretia by, nor did the fact that they hadn't talked. In fact, it was a very measured effort on her part.

"Lucretia…" Lup said. "There's something else to it, too. I fell in love with Barry, but I haven't seen you even look at any of the other boys…"

"Yes…" Lucretia said, almost sighing the word. She turned back to her desk, leaning her forehead into her palm. Moment of truth, and Lucretia found she couldn't even bear to look Lup in the eye.

"You're not interested in the boys, are you?"

"No."

"You're not interested in boys in general."

"I'm not."

"Oh, Lulu…" Lup said. The tone of her voice was hurt. But not because Lup was hurt. She hurt for Lucretia, and Lucretia could tell. A wild lick of angry, humiliated flame whipped out from her heart, scoring her from the inside. Her hand tensed around her head.

"Don't, Lup." Lucretia said. The venom inside her was seeping into her tone. Lucretia hoped Lup could tell that the venom wasn't for her.

"Lulu, I--"

"I'm not going to do this," Lucretia said, shutting her eyes tight. "Not now. Not when the situation is still like this."

There was a long pause. Lucretia said nothing, but instead allowed the self-hatred that had been steeping for decades to flow freely inside of her. At first, she knew that asking Lup to return her feelings would have been unfair. Now that she was with Barry, it would be unconscionable. 

Lucretia lifted her forehead slightly and thrust it back into the palm of her hand. She repeated it a couple times. She was so stupid. So selfish. If only she could have gotten rid of this infatuation sooner, if only Davenport had hired just _one_ more woman onto the Starblaster, if only Lup didn't have to be the only one saddled with all of her personal issues--

Lup touched Lucretia's shoulder, making her jump and slap away Lup's hand in reflex.

"Don't!" Lucretia said. "Don't touch me."

"Lulu, you've been so lonely…" Lup said. "I'm not mad at you, you know?"

"But _I_ am," Lucretia said. "I'm so furious."

"Why?"

"It's like you said," Lucretia said. "We're the only two women on this boat. We can't take anyone else with us. So, of course this would happen, of course it would...in the only situation where I can't run from it, nor can I bear to make you shoulder this burden when you're the only one who _can._ "

"Lucretia."

Despite Lup's interruption, Lucretia continued, rambling faster and faster with each word. "I didn't want this. I didn't. I don't. I don't want to get inbetween you and Barry. I don't want to force you into something you can't be just because of my feelings. It's so unfair to you. It's so horrible of me to put that on you--"

"Lucretia, look at me."

"--to weigh you down with my feelings just because no other women more qualified than me volunteered for this trip. If you don't want to interact with me past this point, I understand, I'm sure that now that it's out there the feelings will disperse eventually but God it has been decades now and they're still here, they won't go away, they won't leave me alone--"

"Lu- _cretia!_ " Lup yelled. "Look at me _right now_!" Lucretia's stubbornness kept her glued to her hand for a moment, but then she acquiesced and turned around, staring at the floor, making sure never to even catch Lup's eyes in her peripheral. She couldn't bear it.

Unfortunately for Lucretia, Lup reached down and grabbed Lucretia's chin, pulling it and Lucretia's gaze up to meet Lup's eyes. Lucretia opened her mouth to say something, but was met with a tremendous slap across the cheek, knocking her out of her chair. After a pause to let Lucretia gather her bearings, Lup spoke.

"Lucretia, I don't ever want to hear you talking about yourself like that. Ever again. Do you understand me?" Lup hissed. Lucretia just looked up at Lup, eyes wide.

"I...I don't…" Lucretia started.

"Lulu, your love is not a burden," Lup said, leaning down to sit on her knees as she spoke to Lucretia. " _You_ are not a burden. You may think you're just the person who sits in the back seat and writes down everything amazing happening in front of her, but you're so much more than that."

"I'm not…"

"God, you don't even know how much it hurts me to hear you talk like that," Lup said, biting her lip, her eyes starting to well with tears. "Those five idiots love to aggrandize themselves, yeah. But then I go to you, the most wonderful woman I knew at IPRE before we even got lost in this Fantasy Quantum Leap shit...To hear you sit back and talk like you blundered into this job even worse than Magnus or Merle? That's...that's so _ugly._ I can't stand it."

"Lup…" Lucretia said, but her voice got caught as hot tears began to fill her own eyes. "The most…?"

"You don't even know how much everyone relies on you," Lup said. "You don't know how much I love you. How much we _all_ love you. ...I can't stand that, either."

With that, Lup gently lifted a hand to Lucretia's face and brought it to her own, kissing the red-hot skin that still stung from the slap. Lup then left a gentle trail of kisses from Lucretia's cheek down to her mouth, pressing herself into Lucretia's embrace. Lucretia's mind, for once-- for maybe the first time since this horrible loop started-- was completely blank; no memories, no footnotes, no paragraphs upon paragraphs of history keeping herself away from the present.

As they broke apart and looked into each other's eyes, the void in Lucretia's head refilled-- but this time with only one word. A name.

"Barry," Lucretia whispered. "Barry, he--"

"Suggested I talk to you," Lup said. "He's so much better at seeing these things than I am. He saw you hurting so _much,_ Lulu."

"Was it that obvious…?" Lucretia said, looking down at the floor.

"No, it wasn't," Lup said. "But Barry always seems to know these things. And he'll understand this--" Lup gestured between the two of them a couple times. "--if I talk to him about it."

"Okay," Lucretia said, sitting up a bit. "Okay. Thank you. I appreciate this. I'll remember this."

"You'll definitely be appreciating it," Lup said, her serious expression suddenly breaking into her usual Fromt'ivi-brand smug smile. "And what do you mean remember? You're talking like we're done here, Lulu."

"A-Aren't we?"

"Not if you don't want to be," Lup said. She took one of Lucretia's hands and kissed the back of it gently. "Like I said, Barry will understand. Barry understands a lot of things. More than I ever could."

As Lup leaned in for another kiss, Lucretia found herself thinking that later, she would have a hard time deciding whether or not to write this down.

\----

"HEY y'all guess who just boned LUCRETIA" Lup yelled as she kicked open the door to the dining room. Unfortunately for Lup, only Taako and Barry were present for her announcement.

" _Hell_ yeah," Taako said, raising his hand for a high five. Lup enthusiastically slapped him the requested five as Barry finished polishing his glasses.

"I take it you got stuff sorted out, then?" Barry asked.

"Oh, natch," Lup said. "Homegirl was feeling lonely and I had to set her head straight. Or not straight, I guess. Very gay. Hey, do you mind if I keep hitting that, hon?"

"Oh-- uh, yeah, 'course not," Barry said, leaning back in his chair and stretching. "No skin off my back."

"Niiiice," Lup said, walking over and planting a kiss on Barry's forehead. She then whispered quietly in Barry's ear so that Taako couldn't hear. "Thanks for letting me know about her, babe. She was really hurting."

"Does she feel better now?" Barry replied.

"Well, she feels less frustrated," Lup said, smirking. "But we're gonna keep working on the other stuff too."

"Good to hear," Barry said. "Love you."

"Love you too, Barold." Lup said. "Now, I gotta have me some orange slices or something, 'cause ya girl is dehydrated as hell."

Just then, Lucretia also entered the room, with only her mussed white hair giving any evidence of Lup's announcement. Simultaneously, everyone in the room said "Ayyyy" and did finger pistols at Lucretia, leaving her bewildered.

"Wh-- Oh-- Oh, n-- Lup, you didn't!"

"How did you not hear her scream it as she busted in?" Taako asked. "Pretty sure the Hunger heard that shit, even."

"Sorry, Lulu, it just slipped out," Lup said, smiling. Lucretia covered her burning face with her hands and wheeled around, walking out of the room.

"I love you, Lulu!" Lup called after her. She then spoke normally to Taako and Barry. "It's a work in progress. Past this, can you two not give her too much hell about it?"

"I didn't say a thing to her," Barry said. "Just, uh, saying."

"You're lucky you're my sister and I'm more inclined to listen to you," Taako said.

"Appreciate it," Lup said. "Now I gotta go do some damage control. Catch you boys later."

Lup went to the fantasy fridge and grabbed an orange before sprinting out of the dining room. For the rest of the night, Lup held Lucretia in a tight embrace, calming her from her embarrassment into a warm, happy slumber that she hadn't had since before the launch of the Starblaster.

Later, Lucretia would end up writing this down, as well as all of her relationship with Lup, but in a separate volume just for herself. The pages would become worn as she read it over and over through the years, but especially the first page documenting this first encounter; not just because of the meaning Lup held to her, but because of the words Lup said. The words that could never leave her memory; and later, the ones she could never bear to feed to the voidfish-- that she was useful, that she was wanted--

but most of all, that she was loved.


End file.
